1/29/11

The day I have been dreading since May has finally come. My dad passed away this afternoon around 3:30pm. I'm so grateful for the time we had together. 30 years is too short of time but we made the best of it. I have so many wonderful memories and lots of pictures and homevideos. I think it still hasn't quite sunk in. I've cried some but haven't had a complete meltdown yet. I'm going to miss him most when I have a question and he always knew the answer. No matter what it was, scriptural, life, science he seemed to know it all. He told the best stories. He was such a rascal growing up. I like the one when his dad bought a new car and it had a cigarette lighter. My dad thought it was the neatest thing cause it burned perfect circles on the seat upholstery. He swiss cheesed burns all over the front seat. Or the time he was fire bombing some ants in an old tree in the backyard and he burned the lawn to a crisp. So he mowed the lawn on the side of the house and threw the cuttings on the burnt lawn to cover it up, haha! I'm going to cherish those memories. I loved him so much and he will be sorely missed. But he is finally at peace and no longer suffering. Towards the end it wasn't even him anymore. He did come to for a short time on Thursday and said goodbye to all of us. We told him goodbye and that we loved him so much. I look forward to the day we can meet again and he'll be able to walk and talk. We'll have so much catching up to do. We'll have all the time in the world :) I'm going to miss you pops

life is hard

I knew growing up meant more responsibilities. I assumed this meant paying bills :p Life was going along on just fine then bam out of nowhere my dad gets sick. Real sick. Turns out he has stage IV liver cancer. We've known since May. We were hopeful about an operation in July but it didn't work. I've known we've been living on borrowed time. On December 26th dad got real sick and I just knew our time was up. He was in the hospital a week and we brought him home. He's been on hospice ever since. It's been hard. He kept thinking this was like the other times, he would get his energy back up and be back to his routine. He didn't understand he couldn't walk anymore. When if finally hit him it broke my heart. He looked so sad. Its the middle of January now and he's declining fast. We can barely sit him up in bed. He eats and drinks very little. He doesn't know where he is and accuses us of keeping him here. Other times he's lucid and knows exactly what's going on. Its killing me to see my hero, my dad, dying from such an awful disease. He taught me so much and for that I'm so grateful. I wish I had more time with him. Mike, lost both his parents to cancer so he understands what I'm going through. He's there for me and that means so much but I know its super hard on him. My mom is going to fall apart. My dad is her life. They've been married 41 years. Her best friend, confidant, soul mate will be gone and I don't know how she will react. We know this isn't the end. We will see him again in paradise. It just hurts that he won't be around. That him and my mom won't grow old together and that he won't see his grandchildren born. But he won't be in no more pain. He can finally rest. I have a hard time talking about how I feel. The right words never seem to come out. This post is probably all jumbled sounding but that's how I feel inside. I don't know what the future holds, I can't plan that far ahead. I've never been one to think way into the future. Short term goals are my thing. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking how my life, our lives, are going to be but I can't make decisions about those questions yet. Right now my focus is on my dad. Dad I love you so much.