life is hard

I knew growing up meant more responsibilities. I assumed this meant paying bills :p Life was going along on just fine then bam out of nowhere my dad gets sick. Real sick. Turns out he has stage IV liver cancer. We've known since May. We were hopeful about an operation in July but it didn't work. I've known we've been living on borrowed time. On December 26th dad got real sick and I just knew our time was up. He was in the hospital a week and we brought him home. He's been on hospice ever since. It's been hard. He kept thinking this was like the other times, he would get his energy back up and be back to his routine. He didn't understand he couldn't walk anymore. When if finally hit him it broke my heart. He looked so sad. Its the middle of January now and he's declining fast. We can barely sit him up in bed. He eats and drinks very little. He doesn't know where he is and accuses us of keeping him here. Other times he's lucid and knows exactly what's going on. Its killing me to see my hero, my dad, dying from such an awful disease. He taught me so much and for that I'm so grateful. I wish I had more time with him. Mike, lost both his parents to cancer so he understands what I'm going through. He's there for me and that means so much but I know its super hard on him. My mom is going to fall apart. My dad is her life. They've been married 41 years. Her best friend, confidant, soul mate will be gone and I don't know how she will react. We know this isn't the end. We will see him again in paradise. It just hurts that he won't be around. That him and my mom won't grow old together and that he won't see his grandchildren born. But he won't be in no more pain. He can finally rest. I have a hard time talking about how I feel. The right words never seem to come out. This post is probably all jumbled sounding but that's how I feel inside. I don't know what the future holds, I can't plan that far ahead. I've never been one to think way into the future. Short term goals are my thing. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking how my life, our lives, are going to be but I can't make decisions about those questions yet. Right now my focus is on my dad. Dad I love you so much.