surreal

We are having dad's memorial service on Saturday. The only way I can describe this whole process is surreal. My mom has been crying a lot. I try to comfort her but I know its not the same. She wants her husband to be here. I've been handling various details of the service and all the arrangements that need to be done. I keep thinking he's at the store or sleeping in his room and that I'll see him later. It's like I have this strange disconnect. I'm sad he's gone and I miss him terribly but I'm not crying like people expect me too. They hug me real tight and ask how I'm doing and hold my hands and wait for me to cry uncontrollably. I tell them I'm fine and I know he's resting and no longer suffering. And that's it. No tears. No sobbing. Sometimes I think something is broken inside of me. But the other day when I was at the movies I got super sad and depressed. I knew I wouldn't see my dad later and be able to tell him all about the movie. Then yesterday I passed a restaurant the two of us had lunch at and I got sad remembering the good times. I cried a little bit about the lunches we won't have together anymore. Then today I put together a slideshow of his life that we will be showing at the service. It made me happy to see all the things he did in his life and how happy he had been. I got teary eyed seeing the pictures of me and him when I was a baby. He was such a proud poppa. I've read various sites and they say everyone grieves differently. For some, who don't openly cry at first sometime down the road they do finally breakdown. I just wonder if that will happen to me. Whatever the case may be I miss my dad terribly and I can't wait to see him again.