thinking and wishing...

I was anywhere right now. We went out of town last weekend for the circuit assembly. It was so nice to get away and be refreshed. Now back at work and already thinking about when I'll go out of town again. We have several mini-trips planned and one major trip planned at the end of the year. The first one coming up will be the first week of May. For our anniversary this year we are going up to NY and PA. Going to visit my cousin in Patterson and hopefully go to family worship night. Also, hoping to see some friends from NY, Roni & Rich. They always have the best things planned :) Then off to see my in-laws. By May my SIL should be very preggers, can't wait to touch that belly, yay! Then next mini-trip will be in July after the district assembly. Going out to Vegas for a 4 or 5 day weekend. Prob just chill but we may take in a show, Phantom of the Opera anyone? Let's see, I can't think of any other little trips at the moment, prob go to the beach, mtns, Charlotte. But usually those are weekend getaways so they don't count :p The big trip is in October/November. 3 weeks in Argentina! Mike has been saving since last year for this trip. We will visit his family of course but we hope to go down to Bariloche. To get an idea of the area check out Living in Patagonia. It looks absolutely gorgeous down there. I wanted to go last time but we couldn't squeeze it in. You have to remember Argentina is a huge country so getting from Cordoba to Bariloche one has to fly. So that's my plans for this year. Happy trekking!

exciting news

Going to be an aunty soon! Mike's sister is 4 months pregnant. She sent me the latest sonogram pictures and video. Its the neatest thing seeing the baby kicking in her stomach. Its amazing the amount of detail the sonogram shows. Hopefully her and her husband will be coming down in March but if not me and Mike are going up in May. Can't wait to rub the pregnant belly, whether she likes it or not heehee!

surreal

We are having dad's memorial service on Saturday. The only way I can describe this whole process is surreal. My mom has been crying a lot. I try to comfort her but I know its not the same. She wants her husband to be here. I've been handling various details of the service and all the arrangements that need to be done. I keep thinking he's at the store or sleeping in his room and that I'll see him later. It's like I have this strange disconnect. I'm sad he's gone and I miss him terribly but I'm not crying like people expect me too. They hug me real tight and ask how I'm doing and hold my hands and wait for me to cry uncontrollably. I tell them I'm fine and I know he's resting and no longer suffering. And that's it. No tears. No sobbing. Sometimes I think something is broken inside of me. But the other day when I was at the movies I got super sad and depressed. I knew I wouldn't see my dad later and be able to tell him all about the movie. Then yesterday I passed a restaurant the two of us had lunch at and I got sad remembering the good times. I cried a little bit about the lunches we won't have together anymore. Then today I put together a slideshow of his life that we will be showing at the service. It made me happy to see all the things he did in his life and how happy he had been. I got teary eyed seeing the pictures of me and him when I was a baby. He was such a proud poppa. I've read various sites and they say everyone grieves differently. For some, who don't openly cry at first sometime down the road they do finally breakdown. I just wonder if that will happen to me. Whatever the case may be I miss my dad terribly and I can't wait to see him again.

1/29/11

The day I have been dreading since May has finally come. My dad passed away this afternoon around 3:30pm. I'm so grateful for the time we had together. 30 years is too short of time but we made the best of it. I have so many wonderful memories and lots of pictures and homevideos. I think it still hasn't quite sunk in. I've cried some but haven't had a complete meltdown yet. I'm going to miss him most when I have a question and he always knew the answer. No matter what it was, scriptural, life, science he seemed to know it all. He told the best stories. He was such a rascal growing up. I like the one when his dad bought a new car and it had a cigarette lighter. My dad thought it was the neatest thing cause it burned perfect circles on the seat upholstery. He swiss cheesed burns all over the front seat. Or the time he was fire bombing some ants in an old tree in the backyard and he burned the lawn to a crisp. So he mowed the lawn on the side of the house and threw the cuttings on the burnt lawn to cover it up, haha! I'm going to cherish those memories. I loved him so much and he will be sorely missed. But he is finally at peace and no longer suffering. Towards the end it wasn't even him anymore. He did come to for a short time on Thursday and said goodbye to all of us. We told him goodbye and that we loved him so much. I look forward to the day we can meet again and he'll be able to walk and talk. We'll have so much catching up to do. We'll have all the time in the world :) I'm going to miss you pops

life is hard

I knew growing up meant more responsibilities. I assumed this meant paying bills :p Life was going along on just fine then bam out of nowhere my dad gets sick. Real sick. Turns out he has stage IV liver cancer. We've known since May. We were hopeful about an operation in July but it didn't work. I've known we've been living on borrowed time. On December 26th dad got real sick and I just knew our time was up. He was in the hospital a week and we brought him home. He's been on hospice ever since. It's been hard. He kept thinking this was like the other times, he would get his energy back up and be back to his routine. He didn't understand he couldn't walk anymore. When if finally hit him it broke my heart. He looked so sad. Its the middle of January now and he's declining fast. We can barely sit him up in bed. He eats and drinks very little. He doesn't know where he is and accuses us of keeping him here. Other times he's lucid and knows exactly what's going on. Its killing me to see my hero, my dad, dying from such an awful disease. He taught me so much and for that I'm so grateful. I wish I had more time with him. Mike, lost both his parents to cancer so he understands what I'm going through. He's there for me and that means so much but I know its super hard on him. My mom is going to fall apart. My dad is her life. They've been married 41 years. Her best friend, confidant, soul mate will be gone and I don't know how she will react. We know this isn't the end. We will see him again in paradise. It just hurts that he won't be around. That him and my mom won't grow old together and that he won't see his grandchildren born. But he won't be in no more pain. He can finally rest. I have a hard time talking about how I feel. The right words never seem to come out. This post is probably all jumbled sounding but that's how I feel inside. I don't know what the future holds, I can't plan that far ahead. I've never been one to think way into the future. Short term goals are my thing. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking how my life, our lives, are going to be but I can't make decisions about those questions yet. Right now my focus is on my dad. Dad I love you so much.

Family Pictures

I luv old family photos. My uncles and grandma Martinez were recently here visiting from California. My uncle Henry was going through some old family albums and had me scan some to send to him and I sent them to myself as well (since I don't have any of these picture). I thought I would post a few and share some old memories :)
This was from a picnic prob at Yosemite, that's my mom and g'pa Martinez

My dad being a mack daddy ha!

(L-R) Cousin Veronica, Connie and Me

My uncle Henry's children, Rebecca, Daniel, Veronica and me

The oldest kids, Gloria, Vince and my mom

My great grandma and maybe my mom or Gloria

I <3 this picture, the eldest siblings with the younger ones. My mom is holding Nancy's hands, Lydia is looking off camera and Vince is trying to get Henry to look at the camera :)

Falls days are almost here

I could feel it this morning in the air. Fall is around the corner :) That cool, crisp smell to the air. The light fog over the meadow. I had the strongest desire this morning to get in the car and drive to the mountains. Just drive around and smell the air. Go hiking and sit at some sidewalk cafe in Asheville and drink a coffee. This is my most favorite time of the year and nothing compares to it. Right now the big window in my office is torturing me with perfect blue skies and wispy white clouds. However its still a little too warm during the day. Stood in the sun for a few minutes and broke a sweat. But a couple more weeks and we are there. We are going to the beach in a couple weeks, wish it was the mountains but I know the air will smell delicious over there as well. I hope you are having a pleasant fall day as well :)